


Shared Hearts

by Utari



Category: Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02
Genre: Angst, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Romance, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-03-04 10:37:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3064661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Utari/pseuds/Utari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daisuke and Ken's relationship has grown beyond just being friends.  Daisuke is ready for a more romantic relationship, but Ken seems to be reluctant to open up.  Daisuke prods Ken until he reveals some things about himself that seem overpowering, which changes things between them forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fight

**Author's Note:**

> A few disclaimers. To start with, I do not own Digimon. This is a fanwork that I make absolutely no profit from.
> 
> The "mature" rating is somewhat on the conservative side, but I'm erring on the side of caution. This fic contains male/male romantic relationships; brief, non-graphic mentions of child sexual abuse; realistic depictions of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID); suicidal ideation; and discussions of polyamorous relationships. I caution anyone sensitive to any of those things against reading this fic.
> 
> A major motivating factor of my wanting to write this fic was to portray a character with a realistic depiction of DID. It seems that many people portray characters with this as being more like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde character, which is not an accurate depiction.

Sometimes time changes people, sometimes people change the times. It'd been several years since the adventures of the chosen children in the Digital World. They all still kept in contact with each other, though some friendships had grown more than others.

Ken was still mostly the same, quiet and reserved, while Daisuke himself had matured a bit. OK, maybe not much, but Jun had moved in with some friends last year and he'd decided to at least learn to cook something passably edible since he was going to be mostly on his own. He also wanted to fulfill his dream of owning a ramen cart, and learning to cook seemed like a prerequisite.

His father always had to move around as part of his job and would be gone for months at a time. His mother had also had an early mid-life crisis and joined a humanitarian group not long after Jun had moved out and had been home less and less.

He actually preferred being alone. It was always so bothersome with everyone home. Jun was making noise, his mother constantly nagging him about everything. Now that they were gone his grades had improved a lot since he could be home more and study without being bothered.

School had let out for the year and his parents had sat him down for a talk that he had thought was going to be very bad. It turned out, his father was going to be away for the next six months doing something related to his work. He didn't talk much about what he did for a living but Daisuke knew it involved training people or something or other.

His mother had also said that she had committed herself to a one month stay overseas in some third-world country helping build houses and irrigation stuff.

'Hmph, she does more for people on other continents than she ever did for me', he thought to himself.

She had casually mentioned that she might be gone for the entire school break if they still needed help, which meant she was going to stay there regardless but wasn't willing to tell Daisuke that she was leaving him on his own for three months. She was never up front or concrete about things that she thought people wouldn't like. When she said something to the effect of 'I might be doing this, so be prepared', it was her way saying 'I _will_ be doing this, so be prepared.'

He'd pretended to take this all in stride and reassured them that he's responsible enough to stay on his own now. That he can cook, his grades are up, and he's mature enough to handle everything so they shouldn't have to worry about him or change their plans. Of course, they'd told him this the same day of their flights so they wouldn't have changed their plans no matter what he'd said.

In reality though he was almost jumping out of his skin in excitement. He was going to have the whole apartment to himself for the entire school break. He was already planning all the fun things he could do while they were gone. Not wild parties so much, but being able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted was definitely appealing to him.

He was barely able to concentrate on them explaining their plans of leaving together on the same flight so they could have a second honeymoon. Apparently his mother had managed to book a flight to Hong Kong, which was where his father was going to be for the next six months, before continuing on to her final destination. Daisuke was too busy thinking about what he could do. They always talked too much about themselves anyway.

He could sleep in, watch TV, play video games, make a mess in the kitchen trying a new recipe, all of it without anyone to nag at him. Best of all, he could invite Ken over whenever he wanted.

On that subject, Daisuke was really looking forward to meeting Ken today. They were already almost boyfriends and had been for months, maybe a year but they had never really talked about anything more.

Officially they were only friends but they had started hugging each other hello and goodbye, at least when they were alone. Ken had also started to lie in Daisuke's lap or rest his head on his shoulder when they watched movies and Daisuke was more than happy to cuddle back. Daisuke had even given Ken a kiss goodbye on the cheek on more than one occasion, to which Ken had only blushed in response.

He'd been wanting to tell Ken about his feelings and to have some kind of "officiality" to their relationship, but he'd been afraid that he would blurt out something haphazardly and wanted to find a better way.

He'd also noticed that something had been bothering Ken these last few weeks. He'd thought it was finals and school stuff, but now that they had been on break for a week and Ken seemed _more_ apprehensive rather than less, he was getting worried.

Ken didn't talk about what was on his mind or about anything that was bothering him. Daisuke had been trying to figure it out but he still hadn't a clue. Ken was still unwilling to burden others with anything and it was certainly very difficult for Daisuke to offer any kind of help when he didn't even know what was going on.

He waited patiently, lost in his own thoughts, until his parents finished with their speech whereupon his father went and wheeled out their suitcases and asked Daisuke to help them carry them to the cab that was scheduled to pick them up soon.

He carted them downstairs, said his good-byes, and was happy enough at the thoughts of being away from them that he felt he could've leapt onto the roof of his building. Opting to take the elevator instead, he looked at the clock. There was still some time until he had to meet Ken.

He picked up the phone and called Taichi telling him about the good news before looking at the clock again. It was still a few hours before he was supposed to meet Ken, but he couldn't sit still. Grabbing his keys, he left and walked around for a while, went to an arcade, then walked around a bit more until it was finally time for his rendezvous with Ken where he found himself at the present moment.

Finally making his way to the park, he saw Ken sitting at the same bench where they always met. He looked a bit mournful as he stared down at his shoes as he tapped them on the ground. His long hair swaying slightly as he nodded his head to the tapping. He'd let his hair grow all this time. It was now almost mid-way down his back.

Daisuke waved and called out to him and he looked up and smiled.

"Hey I've got great news!" Daisuke said excitedly as he ran over to him, "My folks are going to be gone for the entire break! I have the whole place to myself, wanna spend the night tonight? Or maybe the whole weekend?"

For a moment Ken almost seemed a bit disappointed at the news but he smiled softly and spoke, "Sure, I don't think my parents will mind. I'll call them now."

With that he walked over to a pay-phone and picked up the receiver. Daisuke's heart started to beat faster at the thought of being alone together. He started daydreaming about what they would do the whole weekend as he leaned up against the other side of the phone-booth. 

His parents had left him enough money to last a month before they left, with a promise to send more every two weeks until they got home. 'They still think I'm going to starve if I don't eat out three times a day. I can cook my own meals now and they still think I'm a three year-old,' he grumbled to himself.

'Oh well, that leaves more money to spend on having fun! There's a new movie out I want to see that I think Ken would like too, there's a new video game, oh yeah and I can also take Ken to that expensive fancy restaurant he talked about before!'

He felt Ken hang up the phone and went around to the other side of the booth.

"So what's up?"

"They said it's OK. They said that now that we're on break I can stay over there as much as I want so long as I call them and tell them ahead of time. They said you could probably use the company."

"Great! So what do you want to do today?"

"Um", Ken looked away from Daisuke for a moment, "I've been feeling kind of tired lately and want to go to bed early. Maybe we can do something tomorrow?"

"Alright, I'll head home and get some take out while you pack your things and head over to my place."

Daisuke moved to hug him but grabbed his hands instead when he realized they were still outside, knowing Ken was uncomfortable with public displays of affection. He hopped up and down a few times shouting energetically about how awesome this was going to be, then turned and sped off.

He couldn't wipe the smile from his face as he walked home, almost skipping. He realized he'd forgotten to ask Ken what he wanted to eat as he approached the shops near his home but figured he could buy some assorted bento boxes and let Ken choose his favorite. The rest he would stick in the fridge and eat later.

Arriving home he set the food down and checked to make sure his parents were really gone. Somehow this seemed too good to be true. Seeking reassurance, he checked every room and even the closets to make sure they were really gone. He was almost expecting this to be some kind of prank and for them to jump out of hiding at any moment. Finding the house vacant, he checked his wrist-watch, 'Six-thirty, their plane had left at one o'clock so they should be long gone by now.'

He saw there was a message on the answering machine and pressed the play button.

"Daisuke", it was his mother. "Our plane landed safely in Hong Kong. I'm going to be here for a few days until my next plane leaves so this might be the last time I'm anywhere near a phone for the next few months."

He zoned out as she went through a list of things for him to remember to do, like brush his teeth and take a shower, only paying attention again when she gave the hotel they were staying at, their room number, and phone number. He jotted these down in case of an emergency but was happy that they were really gone.

He went into his room and made some room for Ken's futon. He'd outgrown his bed and chosen to sleep on a futon instead since it gave him more room. Ken had slept over before and being able to hold hands as he fell asleep felt really nice.

There was a knock on the door that he recognized as Ken's, and he sprung up and opened the door. Ken was standing there with a large gym bag and a small tote bag.

"You sure packed enough", Daisuke said as Ken stepped in and removed his shoes, "Planning on staying longer than the weekend?" he said hopefully.

"Maybe", Ken said with a bit of playfulness in his voice.

Daisuke shut the door and gave Ken a hug. Ken was tense. He was normally looser when they hugged, but for the past few weeks it'd almost felt like Ken had been forcing himself to hug him.

Daisuke began rocking Ken side-to-side to get him to loosen up but Ken broke the hug and pulled away.

"I'm hungry, can we eat?"

It felt more like an excuse. Did Ken not like him anymore? But why would he agree to spend the weekend there and maybe even longer if so?

"Sure. Oh, but I forgot to ask you what you wanted so I got some bentos", Daisuke motioned to the stack on the table, "Pick whichever one you want and I'll eat the rest eventually."

"You didn't have to get so many, you know I'm not a very picky eater."

"Well, I wanted to make sure you had something you liked. I can tell you've been feeling kinda bad lately and wanted to do something to cheer you up."

"Really? I don't think I've been behaving any differently."

Ken didn't deny that he was feeling bad and Daisuke could tell by now that this was a typical response from him. He would attempt a mild deflection without outright denying anything or accusing Daisuke of being wrong.

Normally Daisuke wouldn't pressure Ken, since he rarely talked about things that he thought would be burdensome to others, but Daisuke wanted to at least try this time.

"Is there anything on your mind you want to talk about?" Daisuke wanted to try because he could tell something was really bothering him. This wasn't something small.

"No, let's eat." With that, Ken moved to the table and began looking through the bento boxes. Daisuke was angry. If he talked about it maybe he could help. Ken still didn't seem to trust him despite everything they'd done together and all the time they'd spent together.

Daisuke shook his head to bring his focus back. This was who Ken was. He still loved him, he only wished he would trust him more. Whatever was bothering him, it was something big. Daisuke decided to eat dinner and enjoy the night. Maybe if he was patient, Ken would eventually open up on his own.

They ate their meals in relative silence. Daisuke always finished eating before Ken did. He got up and put the other bentos in the fridge after throwing away his container. He sat back down and watched Ken as he slowly finished the remainder of his meal. Ken was so proper in everything he did, almost regal. He didn't know why he liked watching Ken do such mundane things so much, only that it was almost like watching a skilled craftsman or a watch-maker as they performed their trade. Every movement was purposeful and calculated; nothing was wasted.

"Why are you staring at me?" Ken asked.

"Huh? I'm not staring, I'm looking", was Daisuke's response.

Ken said nothing more but Daisuke could tell he didn't want to be watched, so he got up and spread out Ken's futon next to his own and put the blankets and comforter on it. He heard Ken get up and throw away his box and wash his hands while he was busy turning down the covers and getting a pillow.

Ken was acting really weird. Daisuke couldn't put a finger on it but he was acting very distant. He stayed in his room and listened as he heard Ken unzip one of his bags and rustle around. He walked by a moment later and stopped. He was carrying a shirt and toothbrush.

"I'm going to brush my teeth and go to bed."

"OK", Daisuke responded plainly.

Daisuke waited and when he came back he was wearing a loose fitting shirt and a pair of boxers, the same things he wore to bed the last times he'd slept over.

"I'll get ready now too." It felt like there was a barrier hanging in the air, something almost tangible. Daisuke tried not to think about it as he brushed his teeth and changed into the same outfit as Ken had, having outgrown pajamas a long time ago.

Walking back to his room, he found Ken sitting up in bed with his legs under the covers. He looked really uncomfortable, but Daisuke knew he wouldn't talk about it if he asked. It really hurt seeing Ken look so miserable.

Daisuke moved closer and crawled onto his own futon. He waited for a moment before putting an arm around Ken, who said nothing. Daisuke gently pulled him closer as he scooted closer to him. They were now sitting side-to-side. Ken slowly put his head down on Daisuke's shoulder and took a deep breath. He could feel him relax as he did so. He reached out and turned off the lamp, then rested his cheek against Ken's head.

'Might as well tell him now', he thought to himself. He didn't want to put this off any longer. If Ken didn't like him the way he did, he wanted to know now. Using his free hand, he took Ken's hand into his own.

"Ken?" Daisuke's voice was soft and soothing, but he could tell it was trembling a bit.

"Hmm?"

"...I've been slowly falling in love with you. I want you to know that I love you and nothing will ever change that", there was an unspoken, 'Do you love me too?' at the end.

Ken made no response whatsoever. Not even in his body. They sat there in that embrace for what felt like an eternity. The clock ticking in the other room was the only indication that time was, in fact, moving forward and hadn't somehow stopped and frozen them in place. Finally, Ken spoke.

"What if I can't be what you want me to be?" was Ken's cryptic response.

"Huh? I don't want you to be anything but who you are. What do you mean?"

"What if I can't be a boyfriend like everyone else? What if how we live now is all it ever is? What if we never kiss each other or have...", Ken trailed off. 

"So long as I can spend time with you I don't care what happens", Daisuke said matter-of-factly.

They sat there in silence for another moment more before Daisuke finally spoke again.

"Move over?" It was a request and not a demand.

Ken scooted over so that he and Daisuke could fit on the same futon. Daisuke got under the covers with him and Ken rolled so that he was facing away from him.

Daisuke stretched one arm under his neck and the other around his chest and pulled him close. Ken tensed up at the initial contact but slowly relaxed.

"I love you", Daisuke said softly, hoping for a positive response from Ken.

"...me too." Something was still obviously bothering Ken, but at least now they both knew what their feelings were. Ken also seemed to be a bit more relaxed. "You really don't care if this is all there is?" Ken obviously wanted reassurance.

"Of course. I want to be with you. That's all I care about."

Ken sighed heavily and relaxed even more. Suddenly, a thought came to Daisuke.

"Is that what's been bothering you? You knew I was in love with you and was afraid you wouldn't be what I wanted?"

Ken held his breath for a moment before responding.

"Mostly, yeah", he sounded a bit scared.

"Hmmmmmmmmph", Daisuke gave out a long, playfully annoyed grunt as he nuzzled his body against Ken's, "I wouldn't have fallen in love with you in the first place if you weren't already exactly what I wanted. If this is all we ever have, then whatever. We're together and that's all I want."

Ken sighed in relief. Daisuke squeezed his arm and rubbed his shoulder. They sat there like that for a moment but it wasn't long before Daisuke was lulled to sleep by Ken's steady breathing and body heat.


	2. Inner/outer

The next few days were fun. They went out to movies, watched TV, played video games, had one-on-one soccer matches, and best of all they were being more physically close. Daisuke really liked being able to have more physical contact with Ken, but he still seemed to jump or pull away sometimes.

It wasn't as bad as before, but Daisuke had tried to kiss him and Ken had turned his head and pushed him away. It had really hurt. Ken had said he loved him hadn't he? But he had also asked what would happen if they never kissed.

Was Ken sick? Was he trying to protect Daisuke? No, if that were the case then why cuddle up so much? Why let Daisuke finish his hamburger earlier when he was too full to eat anymore if he was sick? It didn't make any sense.

Daisuke asked him if he wanted to go home yet and he said no. He had actually called his parents and told them he was going to stay until next week. Why spend so much time with him and not want to at least be kissed on the cheek?

Even so, Ken had really become distant. He'd asked to sleep alone that night, though their futons were still side by side. Daisuke had really felt hurt by that. He'd even refused to hold his hand as they fell asleep. What had he done wrong? Was it the kiss? Had he pressured him somehow? Was there something else?

Daisuke decided to surprise Ken by taking him to that new restaurant he'd mentioned so long ago. Maybe that would cheer him up. He'd only mentioned it once in passing but Daisuke knew Ken. He knew that when he talked a certain way or mentioned things in a certain way that they were important to him.

He counted the money he had left. His parents had left him with 100,000 Yen to buy food for two weeks, with a small portion of it meant to be his allowance. He'd get another 40,000 every two weeks until his parents returned. Even if he ate out or ordered pizza everyday, he wouldn't have needed half that amount to eat. He wondered how they could be so clueless, both about how he was able to cook his own meals and how they were so willing to throw money at any situation to fix it.

It had almost been a week of him buying whatever he and Ken wanted to eat, buying random foods to try new recipes, buying a new video game, going to the movies and arcades, and he had barely even used a quarter of it yet.

He almost felt guilty about using the excess to splurge on movies, video games, and now taking Ken out to a nice restaurant. Almost. His parents had never really wanted to spend any time with him. They'd bought him more toys than he ever could have wanted, but he would've given it all back to play catch with his father or to have his mother even know what his favorite subject in school was.

He realized that they were who they were though. If they felt less guilty being so emotionally distant and neglectful by giving him cash, he wasn't going to argue with them. He had friends now; friends that cared about him. He liked doing nice things for people. Taking Ken to this restaurant is something he would never do on his own. Daisuke himself probably never would've gone on his own either, but together with Ken it seemed romantic.

He'd already called and made a reservation when he went into the other room and spoke to Ken as he was perched on the couch, reading a book.

"Hey, I have a surprise for you. I'm taking you out to dinner tonight. Do you have something nice to wear?" he asked.

Ken seemed a bit surprised at the news, "I have a button-up shirt and a pair of slacks, will that do?"

Daisuke nodded, "Yeah, that's fine."

"Where are we going?"

Daisuke smiled, "That's the surprise!"

Ken seemed a bit tense; he didn't really like big surprises. Daisuke knew that, but he thought that since he already knew he was going out to eat, it wouldn't be a bad surprise to keep the restaurant name itself secret.

"Our reservation is at 7 o'clock sharp, that gives us about half an hour to get ready."

"I'll get dressed now."

Ken rummaged through his bag as Daisuke went to his room and changed into something nice himself. Finishing, he felt kind of silly wearing something so formal compared to how he usually dressed, but at the same time it was also kind of nice to dress up.

Ken came into the room, already dressed up.

"Wow! You look really nice!"

Ken blushed and turned away, "Y- you don't have try so hard."

"Huh? Who's trying? I meant it. You look nice!"

"Mmm", Ken was still turned away and slightly blushing.

"C'mere", with that, Daisuke walked over and picked up his hands. "Don't be so dismissive of complements. If you look nice, it's okay to say thanks if someone points that out", Daisuke said comfortingly.

"Okay"

Ken was still not making eye contact.

"Hey", Daisuke gently put his fingers under Ken's chin and guided his gaze up until their eyes met. "Relax. For tonight, have fun."

He brushed a lock of Ken's hair to the side and stared into his eyes. He was so beautiful. He felt his heart start to beat faster and his chest tingle. He leaned forward slightly, wanting to give him a Kiss.

"We'd better go now if we want to be on time", Ken said.

"Right."

They left and walked to the train station. Boarding the train, they travelled over the Rainbow Bridge into Tokyo and made their way through Ginza. Arriving in front of the restaurant, Daisuke stopped.

"We're here!" he said, revealing the surprise.

Ken looked around for a moment before realizing, "Here? You can't be serious."

"Why not?"

"This place charges over 10,000 yen a head! That's ridiculous!" Ken sounded incensed.

"So what? You wanted to go here right? Why can't I treat you?"

"You've been saving up to get those fancy pots and pans for months now. Don't spend that money on me, spend it on yourself!"

"I'm not using my savings, this is money my parents gave me because they felt guilty about leaving me alone for the entire break! And I'm still technically spending it on myself. I like doing nice things for you so think of this as me being selfish if you want."

Ken stood in agitated contemplation. He didn't want to refuse Daisuke but he didn't want him to go to so much trouble on his behalf. This, Daisuke could tell because of how well he knew him. There was a certain look on his face, a certain posture of body he held when he was caught between two equally uncomfortable choices. The sad thing was, in most cases Ken couldn't understand that people really did want to do nice things for him.

Ken looked at the doors to the restaurant and then back at Daisuke, "Alright, if it's that important to you, I'll go."

Daisuke sighed, "No, I don't want you to force yourself. If you do you'll be miserable all night and tomorrow too. Let's go home. I'm sorry I sprung this on you. I know you don't like big surprises, but I thought this one would be okay because it's not really that big of a surprise."

"No, it's okay. Let's go inside. I won't be miserable."

Daisuke paused to think. He knew Ken really didn't want to go inside, but only because he felt he was being a burden. At the same time, if he went home instead, he would still feel like he'd troubled him somehow.

"Alright, but try to enjoy yourself."

With that, they went inside. The maitre d' asked if he could help them.

"Motomiya, party of two", Daisuke said.

The maitre d' eyed him suspiciously, then scanned down the reservation list, his finger stopping about half-way down. His gaze rose and he began sizing them up.

"Sir, you do understand that this is a fine dining establishment?"

"Of course, that's why I picked it", Daisuke responded.

"And that, as a fine dining establishment, we charge appropriately for our services?"

"Naturally."

The maitre d' seemed to get a bit annoyed but he was still able to mask it with an air of professionalism, "Perhaps I haven't made myself clear, we're not a casual dining establishment and your allowance is not likely to cover our services."

Now Daisuke was pissed. As much as he hated people who flaunted things, if this jerk was going to call him out, he was going toe to toe with him. He opened up his walled and fanned out five, 10,000 yen bills.

"Well, I figured this would more than cover it but if you really don't want our patronage, I passed by The Rainbow House on my way here. Since it's a slow Tuesday night, I'm sure we could get in there without a reservation since they had so many open tables."

He knew name-dropping a restaurant even more prestigious than this one was likely to get results, and it did. No restaurant in its right mind would turn away a customer on a slow night.

"My apologies sir, I'll escort you to your table."

Daisuke tried not to smile so beamingly as he put away his cash. He really loved it when he could take pretentious assholes down a notch. They followed the maitre d' to a small table in a quiet corner, sat, and began studying the menu.

"I've never been to a restaurant that didn't have prices on the menu", Ken mused.

"That means everything is expensive, so don't think ordering a salad is going to make any difference on the bill. Order whatever you want, no matter how expensive it sounds."

They each studied their respective menu.

"Hmm, I've never had rack of lamb. I think I'll try that", Daisuke said.

"The lobster bisque sounds good."

They placed their menus on the table. Ken looked around and spoke, "I wasn't expecting it to be like this."

"Like what?"

"I feel so out of place. Everyone else is dressed so much nicer than we are."

Daisuke laughed, "Hee hee, it's fun being an ordinary Joe around all these phonies isn't it? That's why I want to open up a ramen cart, nobody who buys food from a street vendor is a phony."

Ken simply shook his head but Daisuke could see the faintest trace of a smile on his face.

"Still", Daisuke continued, "It's fun to see what the other side is like sometimes. It reminds me how grateful I am to be friends with people that can't tell the difference between different styles of cuff-links."

Ken smiled and giggled. The waiter came over shortly.

"May I take your order?"

Daisuke ordered his meal, and Ken his.

"And your beverage?"

"Water will be fine", Daisuke said.

"The peppermint tea sounds nice, I'll have that", Ken stated.

The waiter finished scrawling on his pad and nodded, "Right away sirs", and stepped away.

They made idle chit-chat for a moment when a waiter wheeled over a white covered cart. It had a live plant on it, a tea kettle, and various utensils.

Daisuke tried to hide his amusement as Ken's wide eyes and the look of shock on his face became more pronounced as the waiter deftly cut off several leaves with a pair of silver scissors wielded by a white-gloved hand. He placed them into a small mortar and briefly mashed them with a small pestle before dropping them into a small silver basket which was placed inside the tea kettle. He then placed the kettle on the table with two cups and wheeled the cart away after nodding his good-bye.

Ken looked at Daisuke, who promptly started laughing.

"Okay okay, even _I_ wasn't expecting that", he said between laughs, "but you gotta admit, it was fun to watch."

Ken smiled and shook his head, "I feel so awkward. How can people take this seriously?"

"Beats me, maybe this is why rich people have their own clubs and schools. No one else takes them seriously, so they have to hang out with each other."

Their meal was served and they chatted about various things as they ate. All the while Ken smiling more and more. They finished and Daisuke paid the bill, which was a bit less than what he'd been expecting but still obscene by most anybody's standards, save the old money couples which regularly attended places such as this. Still, it was a fun experience.

They left and headed home, while waiting for the train, Daisuke spoke, "So what did you think?"

"The food was good and I had fun, but please don't take me out to a place like that again. That place was far too ostentatious."

Daisuke laughed, "Yeah, I don't think I'd wanna go back to a place like that either", he put an arm around Ken's shoulders, "But it _was_ fun doing it once, wasn't it."

"Yeah."

Their train arrived and they boarded. Ken was quiet on the ride home, but he seemed more relaxed now than he had been in days. Daisuke was happy that he'd had fun. He would've given anything to see Ken smile and laugh the way he had at dinner. He was still so enigmatic. He could shift from happy to annoyed to afraid and back again with such fluidity, yet there were times where he was utterly stoic.

They walked back to Daisuke's apartment and it seemed like Ken was walking a little bit closer to him than he normally did when they were outside. It wasn't close enough to say to the world, 'Hey, we're lovers!', but it was a bit closer than a friend would stand. Or maybe it was only his imagination. Either way, Ken seemed happier and more relaxed and so Daisuke was too.

They entered the apartment and took their shoes off. Ken turned around and stared at Daisuke. He stared back, unsure of what to do. Ordinarily, he would have thought that someone looking at him like that would want to be kissed, but knowing Ken it could've been anything. He waited and Ken stepped closer. He felt his heart start to beat faster.

"Ken?" He was unsure what he wanted from him.

Ken wrapped his arms around Daisuke's waist and pressed his body close.

"You did a really nice thing for me tonight. You do a lot of nice things for me. I never give you anything in return." His voice was seductive. It wasn't a manner of speaking Daisuke had ever heard from him before.

"Th- that's not true", it was difficult to concentrate with Ken being this close to him and his blood rushing to all the wrong places, "You laugh, you smile, you do things where I know you like me. That's enough in return."

"But you want more", Ken was acting strangely out of character. Daisuke would've grabbed him and let his hormones take control, but it almost seemed like this wasn't really Ken standing in front of him. It was very weird having him act this way, but all the same he wanted to give into his hormones and utterly ravage him.

Before he could get a coherent thought to pass through his hormone fogged, blood starved brain, Ken stood up on his tip-toes and kissed him. It was a soft kiss, but had desire behind it. Daisuke bent down and kissed him again. His lips had been so soft; the electric shock that went through his body when their lips made contact couldn't even be described in words. He wanted more. He wanted more _now_.

They kissed again and Daisuke unintentionally moaned as he pressed his lips against Ken. He broke the kiss for a moment and kissed him again, with more desire, more force. He felt Ken's hands come up and grip the fabric of his shirt. Then he pulled away while simultaneously pushing him back with more force than was necessary.

"No." 

There was no question about the finality of it. It wasn't, 'No, not like this' it was 'No, this is over now'.

Daisuke pulled back, but Ken continued to outstretch his arms until he was at arms length from him. He was staring at him like he was terrified of him. Had the kiss been _that_ forceful? Ken stood there for a moment before turning and walking away, grabbing a nightshirt and walking into the bathroom.

Daisuke was dumbfounded. What had happened? One minute it seemed like Ken wanted to be kissed, the next he pushed him away and stormed off.

Daisuke was furious. Not furious enough to march to the bathroom and pound on the door demanding an answer, but something was clearly going on and he was going to find out what, no matter how much Ken intended on keeping it to himself.

He went to his room and changed. He spread out their futons and sat on his own, waiting for Ken to return. With every passing minute he grew more and more angry. Like a closed boiler with the fire well stoked with anthracite, the pressure kept on building; more and more as time continued to pass until Daisuke suddenly realized that Ken had been in the bathroom far longer than was typical of him.

His anger then switched to worry and concern. He continued to wait, but now he was worried that Ken was alright rather than being ready to unload his anger and frustrations at Ken's odd behavior and demanding to know why he was acting this way. 

As time continued to pass, he stood to go check on him, but decided to wait a little longer. A few more minutes passed and he decided that, should one more minute elapse, he would go and check on him.

Before that could happen, he heard the knob turn and he went back to his futon and sat. Ken slowly walked down the hall, his steps catlike and almost silent. He paused before coming into view through the doorway, then rounded it and entered. His eyes looked puffy, like he'd been crying.

He paused after taking a few steps into the room. Daisuke spoke, "What's the matter?" his voice full of concern and utterly devoid of the anger he'd been feeling only moments ago.

"I...", Ken trailed off. Rather than pressuring him, Daisuke simply remained silent. There was nothing he could do to get Ken to talk if he was unwilling to do so; he'd learned that by now.

"Can we sleep with our futons apart tonight?" he finally said, "It- it's not your fault. I want some more space for tonight, that's all."

Rather than feeling hurt by rejection like he had been in the past, instead Daisuke was hurt at seeing Ken so upset. He had no idea what it was that was bothering him so, but if Ken wanted some space, he wasn't going to pressure him to do anything else. If this was what he felt he needed, so be it.

"Yeah", Daisuke wished it'd come out sounding less defeated, "I mean, if that's what you want, I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything. I'm starting to think that maybe I pressure you too much. I know you don't really feel the same way about me as I do with you."

Ken shook his head, "That's not true. I... I can't explain it right now, but I really do love you the same way. I'm sorry that I don't show it the way you do. I'm sorry I'm not as good as you want me to be, but please believe me when I say it's not you, it's me."

Daisuke shook his head, "Ken, the only thing I would change about you is that you think you're not good enough for me. I really meant it when I said I wouldn't have fallen in love with you if you weren't already everything I wanted. If you need some space, you need some space. You don't have to apologize or ask for my permission. Come on." 

With that, Daisuke stood and dragged Ken's futon over to the other side of the room.

"This good enough?" he asked.

"Yeah"

Daisuke turned and got under the covers of his futon. Ken stood pensively for a moment before speaking again.

"Daisuke, I-"

"You don't have to explain anything", Daisuke interrupted. He continued in a sincere, caring tone, "When you're ready to talk about it I'll listen. Until then, don't worry about me, worry about yourself."

"Thank you"

"It's okay, good night"

"Good night"

With that, Daisuke rolled over under the covers, away from Ken. He brought the sheet on top of him up to his face to catch the tears that began streaming down his face. He didn't want Ken to see him cry. He would only blame himself and withdraw even more.

It hurt so much to see Ken like this, but there was nothing he could do now except cry silently. The last thing he did before closing his eyes was reach out and shut off the lamp near his bed.


	3. Flight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I have this fic written out to chapter seven, but still want to go back through them and make some minor tweaks since when I write, I sometimes omit writing things out that I have in my mind that seem obvious at the time. Upon going back and re-reading it, I sometimes find jumps in the story or vague details that I fill in as I re-read it. This chapter had about four new paragraphs added to it.
> 
> I still feel like maybe it could be better, but I have a habit of putting things off until they're "perfect", which means they never get done because perfection is not something one can attain easily (if at all). I think this chapter is pretty much everything I want it to be, so posting away! :)

Daisuke had spent most of the next day trying to give Ken as much space as possible. He was still angry at some level but he was mainly focused on trying to find out what he'd done wrong. He really wished Ken would be more open. They hadn't spoken much recently and Daisuke was hoping that fixing a nice dinner would help ease the awkwardness that still lingered in the air.

Daisuke sighed as he put the finishing touches on dinner. It was grilled chicken, mixed vegetables, and a cup of strawberries and blueberries which he knew were Ken's favorite. He arranged them all on a plate for each of them. He was able to cook meals that tasted good enough, but his presentation skills were sorely lacking. It didn't look very appetizing.

Bringing the plates to the table he called out to Ken who was reading a book. "Dinner's ready. It doesn't look very good but it tastes fine."

Ken stood and smiled. "I know your cooking is good, don't worry about what it looks like, you'll get better with practice. It's more important that it tastes good."

Ken seemed to enjoy his meal. For once they both ate at the same pace. Daisuke wasn't sure if it was because Ken was eating faster, he was eating slower because he was worried about Ken, or both.

When they finished, Ken took the plates and washed them off. Daisuke sat in the chair, still wondering what to do. He wasn't paying attention when the sounds in the Kitchen stopped and jumped a bit when Ken put his hands on his shoulders from behind.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you." Ken said softly.

"S'okay, I was daydreaming."

"Look, I'm sorry about yesterday. Can we try again? Kissing I mean?"

"Sure", Daisuke felt better at the request. If Ken wanted to be kissed now, then maybe he hadn't done anything wrong.

"Come sit on the couch." Ken sounded unusually confident.

Daisuke sat and Ken climbed onto his lap, straddling him. It was the boldest move he'd made to date. He put his hands on his shoulders and Daisuke put his hands on either side of Ken's waist. Ken's body felt tense, but Daisuke figured it was probably nerves.

Slowly, Ken leaned forward and kissed Daisuke on the lips. It was nice, but wasn't the electric-feeling-throughout-one's-whole-body that other people had said their first kisses were. He could immediately tell Ken was uncomfortable, but again he chalked it up to nerves. 

Going slowly, he gently pulled Ken into another kiss. He loosened up a little bit and it started to feel nice. *Really* nice. Daisuke let his hands wander a bit as he got more into the kiss, one going up and one going down. Their lips were locked when suddenly he felt Ken's entire body become rigid as he broke the kiss.

Their lips were locked when suddenly he felt Ken's entire body become rigid as he broke the kiss.

"No, no, NO!" Ken shouted as he leapt off Daisuke and ran into the bathroom, almost falling over himself in his haste to get away. The click of the lock was audible in the quiet apartment. Daisuke sat there, stunned. Did Ken just get sick? Was it from his cooking?

Daisuke continued to sit while the wheels in his mind turned as he tried to make sense of everything before deciding that he wanted some answers and stormed over to the bathroom door.

"Ken! What's going on?" He said, as concerned as he was angry.

No response.

"Ken? Are you OK?"

He thought he heard a muffled sound come from the room. He rattled the knob in vain.

"Ken? I'm going to pop the lock if you don't answer me!"

Still no response.

He quickly rushed over to the closet and began making a racket looking for something long and thin enough to open the lock from this side. Finding a small screwdriver, he went back to the bathroom door, not knowing if Ken was even still conscious.

"Ken, I'm going to open the door now."

After saying that, he heard the knob rattle and the door opened. Ken was standing there; he was looking down but Daisuke could tell that his eyes were red, like he'd been crying.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

"I'm fine", Ken said flatly.

Finally boiling over with rage, Daisuke began ranting. "No you're NOT fine! You've been acting strange for the last month at least! Every time I try to ask you what's wrong, you won't say. You pull away from me when I try to hug you, you push me away and act weird when I try to kiss you, and now you run into the bathroom and won't respond to me when I talk to you! **Don't tell me you're fine when clearly something's bothering you!** "

Ken had avoided making eye-contact since opening the door and seemed unfazed by the rant, standing there unmoving throughout the whole thing.

"I told you I couldn't be what you wanted." He said in a meek, emotionless, yet still somewhat defeated tone, still staring down at nothing in particular.

He then looked up at Daisuke, or rather, he looked up and _through_ Daisuke. His eyes were strange. It was like he was looking at something far away even though he was looking directly at him. The haunting, blank look on his face coupled with the oddly focused-yet-unfocused look was really disturbing to Daisuke.

It almost looked like he had some kind of brain injury with the way his eyes were focusing so far away, yet there was still enough of "Ken" in them that he doubted anything was physically wrong with him. It looked more like his eyes, being the window to the soul, were showing an empty room. No... it wasn't quite empty. It was more like his soul was hiding in the closet or under the bed.

He wanted to grab Ken and start shaking him to try and snap him out of it, but before he could do anything, Ken took a step forward. Daisuke took a step back, out of his way, so he could get by and he then slowly walked over to his bags and began packing his stuff.

"Wait, don't go. Please? I'm sorry I yelled at you, I only wish you would talk about what's bothering you. Maybe I can help. Or if it's me, maybe I can change."

Ken stopped his packing, but said nothing.

"I'll do whatever you want, but please don't go", Daisuke pleaded.

After a pause, Ken finally spoke, "Daisuke, I'll stay but..."

Daisuke walked over to him and knelt down next to him. He wanted to hug him but considering how he'd reacted to being touched, he was afraid he would hurt him somehow if he did.

"Anything", his voice was soft but still pleading.

"I want to sleep in the living room tonight."

Ken sounded so scared. Daisuke wasn't even sure what was going on anymore, but Ken needed the space for whatever reason. He _was_ staying the night at least, that meant he still liked him, right? If he really wanted to leave, he would've done so. The fact that he was still staying meant that he wasn't _that_ mad, right?

"Of course, whatever you need to feel alright."

Ken walked into the bedroom. Daisuke stood and saw Ken pulling his futon into the living room. Baffled at recent events, he decided to just go to bed and call Jou in the morning. Ken needed help and Daisuke couldn't give it to him. He needed to call someone that could. Whether it was Ken not letting him help, or Daisuke just being unable to help, he didn't know.

Jou was in medical school now. He wasn't a doctor yet, but he was the closest thing to one Daisuke could see on short notice. He was also a friend and knew Ken so maybe he would have some insight that a stranger wouldn't have.

Daisuke paused in the doorway to his room; he knew yelling at Ken like he had was going to resonate within him because of how emotionally sensitive he was, but that was one of the things he really liked about him. He deserved every bit of the Crest of Kindness. 

"Ken, I still love you. Nothing will ever change that", he reassured him.

"Thanks." Daisuke couldn't tell if it was a sarcastic response or not because of how flatly it was said.

"I mean it!" After pausing for a moment he added, "Do you love me?"  
At this point, he wasn't totally sure anymore.

"Yeah."

Ken sounded sincere. Daisuke still couldn't understand what was going on so he simply went to bed. He didn't bother brushing his teeth, he wasn't even tired yet but he stayed in his room so Ken could be alone. Ken had always wanted to be left alone when he was upset. Sometimes he would just downright isolate himself when he was feeling bad. There were times Daisuke had had to practically drag him outside by the wrist.

Ken had protested those times, but he'd always seemed to enjoy himself after the fact. Maybe if he gave him some space he'd be better come morning, but he still felt like he needed to ask someone about what was going on because Ken just seemed like he was getting stranger and stranger day by day.

And with that thought he went to sleep, wondering if Jou would be able to help Ken and still doubting whether or not Ken's feelings for him were genuine like he had claimed.


	4. Freeze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, but still something.

Daisuke was roused, but not fully woken from his sleep by a strange noise. Groggy, he strained his ears to focus. There it was again. It was vague and indistinct. Focusing more, he also became aware of a quiet mechanical hum. He looked over and noticed Ken was gone.

Instead of calling out, Daisuke rose quietly instead. Something about this whole situation didn't feel right. He tip-toed to his door and hovered with his ear as close to it as possible. He didn't want to press it up against it and risk rattling the door. He heard the noise again. This time he could tell it was a vocalization of some sort. Was it Ken?

As quietly as he could, he turned the knob and cracked the door open by a sliver and waited for the noise again. When he heard it again, he knew it was Ken. Opening the door, he tip-toed as quietly as he could, down the hall, to find Ken kneeling in the middle of the kitchen next to his futon with his back turned to Daisuke.

The only light in the room was coming from the refrigerator which had had its door propped open. There was a faint smell of pine in the air. Ken clearly had chosen to use the light from the open fridge so that he wouldn't risk waking Daisuke by turning on any other lights.

"Ken?" He called out to him curiously.

He only sniffled and began scrubbing the futon with a cloth.

"Ken, what are you doing?"

He saw him make a motion like he was wiping tears from his eyes and then he went back to scrubbing. Daisuke walked over and knelt down next to him. He could see a bottle of cleaning spray and some rags lying next to him. The smell of pine was stronger now.

The cogs in Daisuke's sleep addled brain began to turn and he began to piece things together. The dryer was on, and the futon... he also noticed that Ken wasn't wearing the same clothes he'd worn to bed. It seemed impossible but it was best explanation that fit the facts at hand.

"Ken what happened?" His voice was quiet and soft in the dark room.

He only shook his head.

"Did you wet the bed?" It seemed absurd but it was the only thing that seemed to fit.

Ken's body began to spasm with muffled sobs.

Placing an arm around him, Daisuke attempted to console him, "It's OK if you did, it's not that big of a deal. We can finish washing that futon in the morning, come back to bed."

Ken resumed his scrubbing, ignoring Daisuke totally. Still keeping his arm around him, Daisuke reached forward and placed his hands over Ken's.

"Come on, leave it 'til morning. I'm sure you've cleaned it enough for now."

Ken pushed his hands aside and continued his scrubbing.

Defeated, Daisuke didn't know what to do at this point. All of Ken's weirdness as of late and everything that had been going on defied his explanation. Maybe Ken just had some kind of a medical problem that he was too embarrassed to talk about.

Not seeing any other choice, Daisuke stepped past Ken and knelt down on the other side of the futon. He picked up a rag and began scrubbing with him. Ken stopped for a moment and looked up at him but then refocused and continued his scrubbing.

Ken seemed exhausted. His movements were strained. Like he'd been doing this for hours. 

"How long have you been out here?" Daisuke asked as he continued to scrub.

"I dunno", he responded, barely audible.

If he couldn't remember, it was too long. What else could he do though? Daisuke continued to scrub until the dryer beeped.

"I think this is OK now. I'll get your sheets out. I have another futon you can use too."

He hoped he would want to sleep with him so that he might be able to comfort him somehow. He hoped that just by holding him he would be able to just show him how much he cared about him but he was more concerned with getting Ken to bed at all.

"I'll sleep on the couch." Ken paused for a moment before adding in a trembling voice, "Don't worry, I won't make a mess on it."

"It's OK, really. I'm not mad."

"I'm tired", was Ken's response, clearly trying to avoid any further discussion.

Daisuke sighed. What else could he do. Ken was growing more and more distant by the day. Daisuke was afraid to hug him, afraid to kiss him, afraid to even tell him that he still loved him which was something Ken seemed to be reacting harshly to as of late.

"Good night", was the only thing Daisuke could think to say.

With that, he walked back into his room and crawled under the covers, silently weeping knowing Ken was suffering so much. He almost wasn't the same person. The spark of life and spontaneity had seemed to be gone in him just now. It seemed like it had been dwindling for months now.  
He still loved him and could see that he still had that spark buried within him; if only he could try to help him find it again.

'Ken...', Daisuke thought to himself as he pulled a bunch of his sheets close to him. He longed to hold him in his arms and cradle him like the fragile, delicate person that he was. If only he could hold him without Ken putting up a wall, he knew he could make everything better.


	5. Peer

Daisuke woke the next morning and sat up with a sense of dread in his stomach. He had a feeling that terrible had happened. He quickly got out of bed and opened his door. He walked quickly to the couch to find it empty. Ken's suitcases were gone too. The only thing left was a note on the table.

Daisuke knew what it would say but was hoping beyond hope that Ken had only stepped out to get breakfast and the note was left so he wouldn't worry about him. Dreading the inevitable, he picked up the note and read it.

> "Daisuke,
> 
> I can't be with you anymore. This isn't your fault. You'll find someone better than me. Please don't cry. I'll never be what you want. I'll never be good enough for you. I'm sorry.
> 
> Ken"

Daisuke stood staring at the piece of paper, numb. He stared until the letters began to move and dance on the page. He stared until the letters began to fade into the paper, as if the pigment was being absorbed by the paper. He stared until his arms started to get tired, his legs began to ache, yet still he stood there in shock.

Finally the clock chimed and it brought Daisuke back to his senses. He wasn't sure if this was a 'Dear John' letter or a suicide note. From the way it was written, it could've been either. He rushed to the phone and called Ken's house.

"Hello, Ichijouji residence", it was Ken's mother.

"Hi, is Ken there?"

"Ken's still in his room sleeping, he was feeling really terrible. He thinks it may be a bad flu."

"Um, can you go check on him now? To make sure he's okay?" He said, trying to hide the panic he was feeling.

"What's the matter? You sound really worried."

"Um, well...", Daisuke wasn't sure what to say. "I cooked Ken dinner last night and I'm not sure if I cooked the meat well enough. I think some cases of food poisoning can be really dangerous. I just want to make sure he's still alive." He hoped his story sounded plausible enough.

"Oh dear, hang on, I'll go check."

He heard the phone being set down and waited. After what seemed like too long of a wait, he heard the receiver being picked up again.

"He's fine Daisuke, he says he just wants to rest. He also doesn't want you to come over, he's worried he'll get you sick too."

"Okay, thank you."

He said his good-byes and hung up the phone. At least Ken was alive.

He absently carried Ken's futon back to his room and put it in the closet after setting the note aside. Sitting down on his own futon, he then noticed that one of Ken's shirts had been left strung over the back of a chair. He hadn't been able to retrieve it since Daisuke was in the room sleeping.

Seeing the shirt, Daisuke began first to sob, then cry, then openly wail in sorrow. There was a pain in his chest that felt like he was dying. Ken was gone. His sweet, beautiful Ken was gone and he didn't know why.

He cried and cried until his face was hot, his eyes were puffy and swollen, and still he kept on crying. He cried until he ran out of tears but the sorrow in his heart and the pain in his chest still continued to burn.

Eventually he collapsed forward onto the futon, exhausted. Tired, he closed his hot, swollen eyes and tried to rest. He hadn't thought he'd fallen asleep but when he finally got up he realized that he had in fact fallen into a light sleep since there was a bit of drool on his lip. He wiped it off and pushed himself up.

Still in a daze, he wanted some fresh air to help clear his head. He went out onto the balcony and took a deep breath. He stepped towards the railing and began to wonder how much it would hurt if he jumped over. He would certainly be killed, he was too high above the ground to stand any chance of living, but would it hurt before he actually died?

Would he die instantly, or would he lie there for a few minutes first? Realizing what he was thinking, he turned and quickly stepped back into the house, locking the sliding glass door and pulling the drapes so that they covered the outside view.

' _Food. If I eat food I won't think about bad things._ '

He walked into the kitchen and saw the knives he'd bought recently. He'd wanted to get a nice set and had saved up his money and spent enough on them to have bought several new video games instead if he'd wanted.

It'd been worth it though. It was so much easier to prepare meals now. They were so sharp; sharper than any other knives he'd ever seen before. Sharper than what he thought it possible a knife could be.

He pulled out the mid-sized one and began admiring the blade. It was well made and had been hand forged and sharpened. It had cut through so many pieces of chicken and fish with ease. Would it be any different cutting through his own flesh?

He shook his head violently. He placed the knife back in its wooden holding-block and ran to the phone. Frantically, he dialed and waited anxiously as the phone rang.

"Hello, Yagami residence", it was Hikari.

"Is Taichi there, I need to speak with him now." His voice sounded eerily calm to his ears, considering how frightened he was on the inside.

"One moment please."

He heard the phone being set down and Hikari calling out. After a moment, Taichi spoke.

"Hello, this is Taichi."

"Taichi, I need your help. I need you to come over."

"...who is this?" Taichi sounded a bit creeped out.

"It's me, Daisuke"

"Daisuke?" Taichi still sounded confused.

"Motomiya Daisuke, your friend", Daisuke was too hurt by Ken's having left him to be hurt by Taichi's failure to recognize him.

"Daisuke? Is that really you? Man you sound like hell, I didn't recognize you. What happened?"

"Ken left me..."

"Left you... You mean you two were..."

"Yeah, for about a year maybe."

"Man, that sucks", Taichi sounded like he was bummed out but not overly concerned.

"I need your help Taichi. I keep thinking about hurting myself and I don't know why. I went out on the balcony for some fresh air and thought about jumping. I got scared and went into the kitchen and started looking the knives and...", Daisuke couldn't complete his sentence.

"Alright", now Taichi sounded concerned, "I'm going to come right over. I'm going to give the phone to Hikari. I want you to promise me that you won't hang up the phone until I get there." Taichi sounded firm but was clearly afraid for Daisuke.

"Okay"

"Promise me Daisuke!"

"I promise!"

Daisuke heard Taichi calling out to Hikari but it was muffled. His hand must've been over the receiver. He heard a short conversation and then Hikari picked up the phone.

"Daisuke? Umm, Taichi said to keep you talking and left. What's going on?"

"I'd rather not say..."

"Alright, whatever it is it sounds like it's big. Are you OK?"

"I don't know."

The conversation continued with Daisuke trying his best to evade any questions about what was going on. He didn't want Hikari to know about him and Ken. Eventually they ended up talking about the Digital World and their adventures there.

After several minutes had passed, there was a knock on the door.

"I think Taichi's here, now. I'm gonna go."

"Wait, Taichi said not to hang up until he said it was OK. Let me talk to him."

Daisuke set the phone down and answered the door.

"Daisuke! Man you scared me! Wow, you don't even look like yourself", Taichi said as he barged in and placed his hands on Daisuke's shoulders.

Hearing Hikari's voice calling out on the receiver, he went over to it and picked it up.

"Hikari? Yeah, it's OK now... I'll tell you later... Look, it's guy stuff and... Look! It's nothing to worry about... You're going to have to trust me on this, I'll explain everything later. I gotta go now, bye", the last sentence came out sounding like it was one long word.

He pressed the call button on the phone, hanging up.

"Wasn't that a little mean?" Daisuke asked. "She was only worried about me."

"It's OK, she'll understand when I explain things to her. Right now you're more important. Come here and sit down, let's talk."

"Can we talk in my room? I'd feel more comfortable there."

"Sure, wherever."

They entered Daisuke's room and Taichi sat down across from Daisuke before speaking.

"So tell me what happened."

"Well, there's not much to say really. Ken left this morning and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm thinking these thoughts either."

"Tell me what happened with you and Ken", Taichi said.

"Well, where should I start?"

"Wherever is fine. Tell me how you started dating."

"Well... we haven't really been "dating". We've kinda been more than friends and got closer and closer. I thought things were OK but Ken's been acting really weird these last couple months or so. I tried to get him to talk about it but he never would."

"Weird how?"

"He's been really distant. We used to hug each other a lot and cuddle on the couch. He never wanted to be kissed but we would sleep together at night."

"You mean... ' _sleep together_ '?" Taichi asked, a bit hesitantly.

"Huh? No, no. Nothing like that." Daisuke said a bit defensively. "Well, I wanted to do that", he continued, "but Ken wasn't ready. We only slept together, nothing more." 

Daisuke began to tear up at the memories of holding Ken close to himself. "I miss that. I told him I loved him and I thought he loved me too. We never really fought or had any arguments except the day before he left where I got mad at him and yelled at him. He didn't even say good-bye. All he left was a note. I don't know why he left. Do you think it was because I yelled at him?"

"I don't know. Can I see the note?" Taichi asked.

"Here", Daisuke handed him the note.

Taichi cocked his head to one side as he studied it. "Where is Ken right now?"

"He's home, I called this morning. What do you think?"

Taichi hesitated for a moment before speaking, "Ken has always struck me as being haunted by his past. He has some inner demons to conquer. I don't think he became the Kaiser because he was all good and pure and got corrupted; he had a dark part of himself that the Dark Spore brought to the front."

Daisuke felt a pang of anger at what he felt was a slight against Ken, but stayed quiet. 

Taichi continued, "When people don't face their inner demons they tend to become consumed by them. Ken's always been haunted about the things he did as the Kaiser."

"Do you think Ken doesn't like me?" Daisuke asked.

"I don't think it's you he doesn't like, it's himself. He said in his note that he doesn't think he's good enough for you."

"Why not?"

"I don't know." Taichi responded as he shook his head.

"What should I do?"

"That's up to you. He may decide he made a mistake and come back, or he may never come back."

Daisuke's head fell and he clutched at his chest as the pain came back. "It hurts so much... I don't want to kill myself but I keep thinking about _how_ I could kill myself." He exhaled sharply, "I'm scared. I feel so stupid. I used to laugh at people that got so bent out of shape over a break-up and now look at me."

"I'll stay with you tonight if you want. But if you still feel the same way tomorrow then you should talk to someone about it."

"You mean a _shrink_ ", Daisuke said venomously.

"Well, yeah, but the first day is always the worst. If you don't actually _want_ to die then that's a good sign."

"Really? Why?" Daisuke looked up, hopefully.

"When you hurt a lot it's only natural think about ways to make it all go away. It doesn't mean you have to do those things. When you hurt a lot it can seem like it'll never go away but it will. Give it some time."

"Thanks Taichi! I feel better now." Daisuke said.

"Don't mention it, that's what friends are for. Anything else you want to talk about?"

"No... I think I'm done for now."

"Alright, come with me to my place while I get some things. I'd rather you not be alone right now."

"Yeah, OK."

They left and went to Taichi's apartment. Hikari came out of her room upon hearing them enter. She looked very concerned. She asked Taichi what was going on and he deftly said he was going to stay over at Daisuke's for a few days and slipped into his room to pack.

Turning to Daisuke, she asked him what was going on. Sheepishly, Daisuke told her that he and Ken had been a couple and that Ken had left. He didn't particularly want to disclose that yet but she'd seemed so concerned; he didn't want her to worry any more than she already had.

She said nothing and only stood there. It seemed like she understood what was going on. Daisuke's ears were burning in shame. He hung his head and turned away from her. He heard her take a few steps closer to him and then felt her wrap her arms around him and hug him tight.

"I'm sorry Daisuke, I know you two were close. I didn't know you were together like that, but I could tell you two were close."

He slowly raised his arms and returned her embrace. "Thanks Hikari", was all he said.

"So, you ready to leave yet or d'you two want some more time together?" It was Taichi calling out with a bag slung over his shoulder. His voice was clearly playful. Leave it to Taichi to be jovial no matter the circumstances.

"Heh", Daisuke laughed. Taichi's cheerfulness was usually infectious. "Yeah, I'm ready", he said as he pulled away from Hikari.

Taichi was normally a bit protective of Hikari when it came to boys. Even when Daisuke had been crushing on her so many years ago, he could tell that Taichi was always watching him out of the corner of his eye when they were in the same room. He pretended not to care, probably because he trusted Daisuke more than a random boy, but he was obviously still very protective of her.

There was none of that now. Daisuke wondered if it was because of the unusual circumstances now, or because he didn't feel threatened anymore because he now knew that Daisuke wasn't into girls, or if it was more that he was so devoted to Ken.

"Daisuke, I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk about anything", Hikari said.

"Thanks", he said, already feeling a lot better that Hikari had been so supportive.

With that, they headed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehh, Daisuke doesn't seem like the kind of person to really get crushed and wail in sorrow and self-pity forever, but it seemed like he was impulsive enough and wore his emotions so close to the surface that he'd definitely feel hurt at losing Ken. This was actually a tough chapter to write since I felt like I was straddling a line between Daisuke being too Emo and 'Whaaaah, I hate myself" and just being totally blindsided by a wave of emotion he didn't know how to manage. I hope I was able to keep him in character, since he definitely seems like someone who bounces back quickly but would still feel the full range of emotions of a break-up like this.
> 
> He's definitely more like himself in the next chapter. ^_^


	6. Eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... next chapter. I'm still alive! ^_^ I promise more about Ken will be revealed soon! (As in, next-chapter-soon ^_^)

Taichi insisted that Daisuke play a round of soccer with him. One round turned into two, then three, then four. Exhausted, Daisuke finally said he had to stop for the day. Taichi then insisted they stop for take-out before returning home.

Arriving back in Daisuke's apartment, Taichi immediately began opening the various containers of food.

"Man I'm starving", he said.

Daisuke hadn't been very hungry but Taichi's ravenous appetite was as infectious as his upbeat mood and he couldn't help but join him in his episode of gluttony.

"Do you eat this much all the time?" Daisuke asked as Taichi continued to eat.

"Pretty much, yeah", he said. "I'm a growing boy and need to keep up with all the energy I burn playing soccer", he said self-mockingly.

Daisuke simply chuckled and continued to eat. He finished before Taichi due to the fact that Daisuke was only able to fit one serving into his stomach. Taichi on the other hand continued to have seconds, and then thirds while Daisuke sat watching in silent contemplation.

Taichi helped himself to a fourth serving and Daisuke, hoping to get his mind off of Ken, picked up the empty paper take-out containers and threw them away. He reached for the few remaining ones with some food left in them with the intention of putting them in the fridge but Taichi stopped him.

"I'b gonna vinishz 'at", he said with a full mouth. Daisuke shook his head in disbelief.

"How you manage to not weigh 200 kilos eating like that, completely eludes me", he said wryly.

Taichi laughed. "I told you, I prob'ly burn 2000 Calories in a single practice. I gotta make up for that, plus eat enough to live. You can't tell me you don't eat more when you practice."

"I do, but I still only have one stomach. Where is all that food going anyway?" He said in a bemused tone.

Taichi laughed again. "Wait'll you join a college team. It's makes anything else look like ping-pong. I have to eat a lot to keep up. I s'pose I got used to it."

Daisuke shook his head, smiling. "I wanna go to bed early, I'm really tired", he said as he left the room.

He brushed his teeth and changed into his usual nightwear. He sat in his room, waiting for Taichi but he couldn't stop thinking about Ken. Finally, he rose and began typing on his computer. Taichi came in a few minutes later, wearing what was obviously his nightwear.

"Whatcha' doin'?" he asked.

"Writing a letter to Ken."

"Hmmm", Taichi sounded a bit uncertain.

"You don't think I should?" Daisuke said as he turned to face Taichi. He was clearly looking for his sempai's advice.

"I think if you're intent on sending it, you should wait 'til tomorrow and re-read it. Sometimes people say things that are embarrassing if they don't sleep on it. Believe me, I know", he said as he sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. "This all happened today and your head's still spinning trying to figure it all out. At least wait 'til tomorrow."

"...Okay, that makes sense", Daisuke turned back to the monitor and continued his typing.

He was vaguely aware of Taichi opening the closet but hadn't thought about what he might find in there until he heard him call out.

"Hey, this futon's kinda wet!" Taichi called out.

"Oh, grab the other one. I cleaned that one today and threw it in there without thinking. It still needs to dry, leave it out." He was hoping Taichi wouldn't press the matter further but Taichi's lack of tact asserted itself yet again.

"What happened?"

"Oh, well...", Daisuke didn't want to embarrass Ken by revealing what had happened, but he knew he could trust Taichi. Still though, it never hurt to make certain. "You gotta promise me that you won't tell anyone."

"Okay", Taichi said non-chalantly.

"I mean it! No one! Not a soul!"

"I promise! When have I ever broken a promise to you?" Taichi said earnestly.

Daisuke sighed. "Ken had an accident. He wet the bed last night", he added when Taichi seemed to not get what he had said at first. "I cleaned it off!" He said as he saw the look on Taichi's face and saw him wipe his hands on his shorts. "It's only water. You can probably still smell the cleaner on it." He said defensively. "What?" he said as he saw a look of concern wash over Taichi's face.

"Daisuke, teenagers don't wet the bed unless something's seriously wrong. Either medically or psychologically. Ken's obviously got something serious going on", he said stoically.

"Do you think he's sick then?" If he was sick then maybe a doctor could cure him.

Taichi shook his head. "If it were anyone other than Ken I would, but like I said earlier, he has a lot of inner demons he's struggling with. I don't think it's that simple."

Daisuke let his breath out. "I hope he's OK", he said before turning back to his letter.

"So do I", Taichi said with concern.

Daisuke finished his letter shortly, and stood after filing it in his 'Drafts' folder. He walked over to his futon and sat with his knees pulled up to his chest rather than getting under the covers. He was slowly rocking himself to and fro.

"Taichi, I can't stop thinking about him." He said, wistfully.

"That's pretty normal", he said, trying to comfort him. "The best thing to do now is get some sleep. You can't change anything 'til morning so there's no point in staying up all night."

"I feel so alone..." Daisuke said before turning and looking over at him. He slid over and gently placed his hand on Taichi's before trailing his fingers lightly over it.

"Daisuke... I'm not sure this is a good idea", he responded while pulling his hand away.

"Is it because you think I'm weird for liking other guys?" Daisuke asked, clearly sounding wounded.

"No. No, that's not it at all!"

"Then why?"

"It's not that, I mean, I'm the same way too!" Taichi said.

"You? But then why?"

"Because I've... kinda had a crush on you for a long time", Taichi confessed. "I never said anything because I didn't want you to know. I was your sempai", he sighed, "I still am. It didn't seem right for me to say anything. I felt like my first responsibility was to be your friend. You were always so eager to please me too. I thought that even if you didn't want... well", Taichi was struggling with his words, "I thought that maybe you would do something you didn't really want to do because of me, and I didn't want that."

Taichi rubbed his forehead with his hand before continuing. "It would be too easy for you- for me, to do something I would regret later. I still like you a lot but I can see how much more you like Ken. I have enough respect for you and that bond to not try to get between it."

"But what if Ken never comes back?" Daisuke asked. "I've always kinda liked you too. Would you want to...", Daisuke trailed off, staring at his fingers which were now playing with the sheets, "Be my boyfriend?" he finished.

"Let's not talk about that now", Taichi said. "Let's wait and see what happens. Maybe if this is really the end, when you're feeling better, and when you're not so vulnerable; maybe then we can talk. Wow I sound like a girl saying that don't I?"

Daisuke laughed, "Only a little." He took a deep breath and released it before continuing. "Will you hold me though? Just as a friend?"

Taichi sighed, then there was a long pause. "Alright, but as of right now we're only friends. I would do this for any of my friends if they needed it."

"Okay."

With that, Daisuke scooted over to Taichi's futon and curled up under his waiting arm. It felt so nice. So warm. It was so much different lying with Taichi than Ken. Taichi was so much bigger than him. It felt nice to be surrounded by so much strength and to be held with such powerful arms. Somehow it still felt empty. He felt less lonely but he still missed Ken dearly.

"I wish I could have you both", Daisuke said longingly. "I love Ken but he doesn't like to cuddle like this all the time. It'd be nice to have someone to cuddle with whenever I wanted. I mean, I like you a lot too", he said, as if he'd offended Taichi by implying he only wanted him physically. "I like you in a different way than Ken though. It's still the kind of feeling you get when you like someone romantically but it's different somehow. I don't know why, but I could still love you the same way I do Ken. It would be different, but the same. Does that make any sense?"

"I think so" he paused briefly before continuing, "You know..." He trailed off.

"What?"

"This probably isn't the right time to be saying this, but love is one of the few things in this world that you can share without using it up. If you share food with someone, you have less for yourself. If you share love or an idea, you still have them. They don't go away. There are some people in this world that need to love and be loved by more than one person", Taichi sighed, "I wish I'd been able to accept that back then."

"When?" Daisuke asked.

"Oh, back when I was dating someone else. I was too jealous to share back then, or maybe I just was too afraid they'd run off with them instead of me... Anyway, that's not important now. If you're that same kind of person, the kind that needs to be in a relationship with multiple people to be happy I mean, and if Ken is too, or at least doesn't mind that you are and can share you with someone else... maybe... well, I guess we can talk about that tomorrow."

Taichi sighed heavily. "But anyway, right now you need to focus on Ken and whether or not you can still be together."

"Thanks Taichi." Daisuke said as he squeezed him tight and rubbed his face into his chest.

Daisuke wasn't about to let Taichi go. This felt too comfortable. Taichi must've sensed it too. He pulled on the blanket that Daisuke was now sitting on and tugged on it until Daisuke squirmed enough that he could free it and wrap it around them.

Reclining, Taichi gently stroked Daisuke's face. "Remember, right now we're still only friends."

"I know", Daisuke said, sleepily.

"Good night, Daisuke."

"'Night"


	7. Fawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have the next chapter up! I'm sorry I've been so busy. I graduated from uni, was doing some volunteering during the summer, but the biggest thing keeping me occupied is the fact that I'm going to be moving to Japan soon. It's probably most people's dream (or at least the people here reading Digimon fics ^_^) but the logistics of packing and getting everything in one's life in order for an international move takes a certain amount of planning. The good news is, I'll be able to see Odaiba in person! The place where most of the Chosen Children lived! (Save for Ken, who lived in Tamachi).
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to post this chapter up before I left. It's rather long, and finally unveils some of the more important points of the plot, so I hope it was worth the wait! ^_^
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS for anyone who hasn't read the warnings in the first chapter. Please go back and read them again if you think you may be affected by mentions of abuse.

So I have the next chapter up! I'm sorry I've been so busy. I graduated from uni, was doing some volunteering during the summer, but the biggest thing keeping me occupied is the fact that I'm going to be moving to Japan soon. It's probably most people's dream (or at least the people here reading Digimon fics ^_^) but the logistics of packing and getting everything in one's life in order for an international move takes a certain amount of planning. The good news is, I'll be able to see Odaiba in person! The place where most of the Chosen Children lived! (Save for Ken, who lived in Tamachi).

Anyway, I wanted to post this chapter up before I left. It's rather long, and finally unveils some of the more important points of the plot, so I hope it was worth the wait! ^_^

TRIGGER WARNINGS for anyone who hasn't read the warnings in the first chapter. Please go back and read them again if you think you may be affected by mentions of abuse.

Daisuke woke the next morning and stretched. He found himself alone. Taichi had woken before him and was in the kitchen making breakfast from the sound of things. Hearing a crash and Taichi swearing immediately after, he groaned and stood. Groggily wiping his eyes, he walked into the kitchen to find Taichi making a not-so-successful attempt at cooking breakfast.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I wanted to make you breakfast. It seemed easy enough. I've seen people do it lots of times..."

Daisuke surveyed the damage. A few burnt pieces of toast, some extra crispy bacon, and some eggs that were about to burn.

He walked over to the eggs and flipped them over, turning the heat off. The toast he threw in the garbage, it was unsalvageable. The bacon he put in the freezer to cool. Finally, he put some new bread in the toaster and turned to Taichi.

"Maybe next time miso soup and rice would be easier", he said a bit teasingly.

"Next time I'm going make you a nice bowl of cereal", Taichi retorted.

Tending to the eggs, he continued, "It's not a total waste, only the toast was too burned".

"What about the bacon?"

"Watch and learn", Daisuke said confidently.

He served the eggs and toast on two plates and, pulling the bacon out of the freezer, he picked up each piece and crushed them into small bits, sprinkling them over the eggs.

"That was a really good idea. You get that from a cookbook?" Taichi said.

"No, I almost burned some bacon a long time ago when I first started cooking. I figured they sold bacon bits to shake onto salads and stuff and that crumbling it up would make it more palatable."

"Did it?"

Daisuke shrugged, "I thought so. Here, you tell me."

With that, Daisuke brought the plates over to the table, sat and began eating. Taichi cautiously took a bite and then exclaimed, "Hey, that's not that bad", before picking up his pace and quickly devouring what was on his plate.

"Daisuke, I don't mean to be a pain but-"

Daisuke interrupted him, "Go ahead and have some cereal too."

Smiling, Taichi stood and gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder, exclaiming, "Thanks! You're the greatest!"

Daisuke simply smiled and shook his head. When he did open his ramen cart, it would only take a few regular customers with Taichi's appetite to ensure he wouldn't go broke.

He stood and began clearing the table when Taichi said, "Don't worry about the dishes, I'll clean them when I'm done."

"Alright, but I want to clean the pan now while it's warm. It's way too much work to clean when it's cold."

Taichi nodded his head so he wouldn't have to slow down his eating. The pan was cleaned shortly and Daisuke went back to re-read and send the letter he'd written to Ken the night before.

He read it again. It sounded a bit sappy now. He would've much rather preferred to say these things in person but somehow he didn't think Ken would've seen him. He read it again, changing a few things here and there.

Still undecided, he read it again and sat staring blankly at the screen trying to decide what to do. He heard the door open and Taichi walked over and put his hands on his shoulders.

"So... you gonna send it?" he asked.

"I dunno. I want to say all these things to him in person. I don't think a letter is going to be good enough", he paused for a moment before continuing, "But I don't think I'll be able to. I doubt he wants to see me. The only reason I want to send it is because I think it's the only way to tell him these things."

Taichi squeezed his shoulders gently a few times before speaking, "If he really wants to avoid you, he may not read it even if you do send it to him."

Daisuke sighed. "Then what should I do?"

"The best thing I've found to do when you're not sure, is to wait."

"But if I wait too long he might think I don't care about him anymore!" Daisuke protested.

"Maybe, but how long do you think it'll take before Ken really thinks that? Do you really think he'll be so quick to think that if you wait a few more days?"

Daisuke sighed poutfully, "Probably not."

"So wait for a bit then."

"Alright", Daisuke said as he filed the email into his drafts folder.

Daisuke slumped down into his chair. Taichi simply stood there with his hands still on his shoulders gently squeezing and massaging them. They remained there in silence until Taichi spoke.

"So whatcha' wanna do today?"

"I dunno", he responded, "I don't really feel like doing anything to be honest."

"It'd be best to do something. You wanna go for a walk?"

"Not really", Daisuke was silent for a moment before suddenly sitting up, bringing his fist down on the desk in front of him. "This is ridiculous. I'm going to go see him. He's being silly. Sometimes he thinks crazy things like he's done something wrong or that I'm mad at him for no reason."

With that, he stood and went to his closet and grabbed his coat. He turned around to see Taichi looking pensive.

"What is it?" Daisuke said.

"Are you sure you wanna do this now?"

"Yeah, if I wait it'll only be worse."

Taichi nodded, "Alright, I'll walk you over to his building."

With that, they set out and boarded a train for Tamachi. The train ride was swift with Daisuke's mind focused on Ken. Taichi seemed to sense this and didn't try for his usual banter, instead opting to place a comforting hand on Daisuke's shoulder, who didn't speak until he and Taichi arrived outside Ken's building.

"I'm gonna grab a snack and wait out here for you", Taichi said.

"Alright, and don't worry, I'll be fine", Daisuke said, seeing the concerned look on Taichi's face. Taichi simply nodded and went off. Daisuke walked over to the elevator and began tapping his foot as he waited for it. Hearing it arrive, he looked up and stepped inside when the doors opened. He pressed the button for Ken's floor and began to feel butterflies rise in his stomach as the elevator ascended. With every floor that passed by, more and more tension seemed to build. He took a deep breath to steady his nerves and stepped out of the elevator when the doors opened again.

He began walking over to Ken's apartment, his nerves becoming more-and-more frayed with each passing step. He wondered how he could be so confident on the train and feel so jittery now. He quickly shook his head to focus himself as he approached the door. Taking one final deep breath to steady his nerves, he pressed the doorbell and waited. He didn't have to wait long, Mrs. Ichijouji answered the door rather quickly.

"Oh, hello Daisuke. It's good you came over now, I was about to leave and run some errands and pick up some groceries. Ken's still not feeling well. He doesn't have a fever but he hasn't gotten out of bed or eaten anything since he came home."

She was dressed up and her purse was slung over her shoulder. Daisuke got the impression that, had he been any later, she might've left and Ken may not have answered the door. He also got the impression that Ken hadn't told her everything about their relationship. If he had, she might've shooed him away thinking that Ken wouldn't have have wanted to see him.

"Maybe you can cheer him up", she continued, "He's in his room. You're one of the few friends Ken has. I'm so happy you showed up. Help yourself to whatever you'd like in the fridge. I'll be back in about an hour or two."

Daisuke nodded and thanked her for her hospitality before stepping in as she stepped out. He removed his shoes and walked into the main room. He paused for a moment thinking about Ken and began to tear up, knowing how much he must be suffering now. He walked over to his door. Should he knock? Should he walk in? Should he announce himself? 

He decided to knock without first announcing himself to see if Ken would even call out to whomever was there. The was no answer so he knocked again, this time announcing himself.

"Ken? It's Daisuke. Is it OK if I come in?"

There was still no answer.

"Ken? I'm not mad at you, I only want to talk to you."

Still no answer. There was no sound or movement that could be heard through the door either.

"Ken? I'm going to come in."

He turned the knob and opened the door. Everything in the room was as it should, except that the lights were off and Ken was lying on the same elevated bed he'd had since Daisuke first met him. He was facing away from him. His arm dangling over the side. His long hair also strewn down to his elbow.

Daisuke paused for a moment. Ken hadn't moved and he looked like he was not in the most comfortable position.

"Ken? Are you OK?" he said, concerned that Ken hadn't yet moved.

He stepped forward, trying to at least see if he was breathing. Maybe he was asleep. It looked like he might've been breathing but the room was dark enough that he couldn't be sure.

"Ken?" he stepped forward again and reached out to touch his hand. Before he could reach it Ken pulled it up and scooted away from the edge of the bed towards the wall. Daisuke was relieved that Ken was alive at least. There were times that he looked at Ken and saw such a profound sadness in his eyes, that he wouldn't put it past him to harm himself somehow.

Mustering up his courage, he spoke.

"Ken, I want to know why you left."

There was still no response.

"I'm not leaving until I get an answer", his voice was firm, but not angry or aggressive.

"I left you a note, didn't you read it?" Ken was still turned away from him.

"Yeah, but it didn't make any sense. Something's going on, something you're not telling me."

He waited for a response but got none.

"Dammit Ken! I'm trying as hard as I can to be patient with you, but even I'm reaching my limit now!" Daisuke really was. "I know you don't like to talk about things that bother you, I know you don't want to take this relationship to a sexual level, I've been as patient as I can and respected your wishes even though there've been times where I've been horny enough to fuck a wall! I've been willing to put up with a lot of your quirks but I'm NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU ALONE WHEN YOU CLEARLY NEED HELP!"

Daisuke stopped to catch his breath. His body was trembling and his fists were clenched. It felt like all the pent up rage at being denied by Ken had come through all at once. It wasn't even a rage _at_ Ken though. It was a rage at being able, and willing to help Ken, only to be rebuffed and turned away every time it mattered, and seeing Ken refuse to talk to him stemming from some warped sense that he would be burdening Daisuke or that he wouldn't care.

"I'm... I'm sorry", Daisuke continued, "I'm not mad at you, I only want to help. I know sometimes I can be pushy about helping you, which I know you don't like, so I try to hold back but this isn't a little thing. Tell me, what did I do wrong? When did I do something to hurt you like this? Or when did I lose your trust in me?" Daisuke was on the verge of tears now and it showed in his wavering voice. "Tell me, so that I can either try to fix things with you, or if you really don't want to see me anymore, so I don't do it to someone else."

Daisuke sniffled. Now he _was_ crying. He wiped the tears from his face and grabbed a tissue from Ken's desk and blew his nose. Ken hadn't moved throughout all of this. Daisuke stood there, not knowing what to do. He didn't want to leave, but if Ken really did hate him as much as it seemed, maybe he should.

"Ken..." He couldn't think of what else to say so he let his voice trail off and hung his head. This wasn't exactly going how he'd wanted it.

He heard Ken sniffle followed by a rustle of fabric. "This is what I was trying to avoid", Ken said. "You try too hard to help me and end up crying. It's usually on the inside but I can see it. You deserve better than this, someone better than me."

"Ken, you're talking nonsense. Have you ever known me to do _ANYTHING_ I don't want to do? Why do you think you're not good enough for me when I think you're the best thing that's ever happened to me?"

Ken shook his head against the pillow, still not having moved from his original position. "You don't understand. I'm broken on the inside. I'm not like other people. I'll never be able to make you happy."

"You don't need to **make** me happy. I'm happy even seeing you smile, and why do you think you're broken? Because you were the Kaiser? Haven't we talked about that? It was the Dark Spore that did that, you're not responsible for what you did. Even if you were, you fixed everything the Kaiser messed up in the Digital World."

Ken was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "Alright. Alright I'll tell you why", his voice had taken on a tone it never had in the past. It was determined and cold, but not totally devoid of emotion. It sounded eerily like the way the Kaiser spoke but there was still some Ken in it.

Ken rolled over and hopped down from the bunk and was standing uncomfortably close to Daisuke, who noticed that Ken's eyes had taken on some of the coldness the Kaiser's eyes had always exhibited.

"Ken used to be a whole person, but something happened to him", he was speaking in the third person. "Ken was a normal boy, but", he closed his eyes and turned his head to the side as he placed a hand on his forehead, covering one eye and grimacing as if he were in pain. He then ran his hand through his hair, mussing it up. When he looked back at him, Daisuke tensed up in fear. This wasn't Ken standing in front of him, it was the Kaiser.

"So you've noticed", he said. "I was alive a long time before the Dark Spore. Ken created me to protect himself. Osamu didn't die in an accident, I pushed him."

Daisuke was terrified at this point. As much as he trusted Ken, as much as he knew Ken wouldn't hurt him, this wasn't Ken. The Kaiser hurt people. The Kaiser hurt people and relished in their suffering.

"No, NO! I'm not going away again! You...! You created me to fix your problems because you were too weak! YOU NEED ME!" the Kaiser shouted out.

The Kaiser grabbed his head like he was in pain again and silently dropped to his knees. He began breathing rapidly and then his arms fell to his sides as he let a deep breath out, like he was deflating. Even though his head hung low, Daisuke could tell that Ken was back. As afraid as Daisuke had been of the Kaiser, Ken was literally trembling in fear at this point. Daisuke cautiously approached him and gently put a hand on his shoulder. Ken weakly pushed it away, so Daisuke simply sat there in front of him. Any questions he had about what had happened a moment ago could wait, Ken needed him.

"I might as well tell you the truth. You're going to think I'm crazy and then you'll finally leave me alone. What he said was true. I- _he_ pushed Osamu. Osamu was doing bad things", Ken's voice had taken on a distinctly childlike cadence, "Osamu was hurting me. He was hitting me and saying I fell. Cutting me and saying it was an accident."

Ken balled up his fists and continued in the same, simpler register as before, "He started putting things in my body... in my butt. He made me touch his privates and he touched mine. One day... he put his privates in my butt. Something happened. My head... changed. Something tore inside my head. I used to be alone and whole. But after that, I wasn't me anymore. Parts of me died that day. And there were people inside of me. I wasn't alone anymore. They talked to me when I was scared, they said they'd protect me. They said everything was going to be okay. They would take over my body when I wanted to go away. I didn't have to run away in real life anymore, I could run away inside my own head and watch what was happening. Nobody ever knew it wasn't me doing and saying lots of things."

Ken continued, "The Kaiser was different though. He scared me. I could feel how mean he was. I never let him out because I was afraid. He kept telling me that he could make everything go away, make everything better, but I never let him out. The other people inside were afraid of him too. All but one of them. One day, Osamu said he was going to... going to do something really bad to me. I ran away. Osamu chased me. The Kaiser said Osamu was going to kill me if he caught me. I believed him so I finally gave him control. He killed Osamu. He pushed him. He said everything would be better now. I was afraid I would get in trouble but nobody saw what happened. I never let him out again until he took over on his own and did bad things to the Digital World."

Ken looked up, "The Kaiser, the other people, they never went away. I hear them talking to me in my head all the time. Except for the Kaiser, they say nice things to me. Even the Kaiser isn't always mean to me. They do things I don't want to do, like... like... giving a speech in front of class. Sometimes I watch them moving my body like I'm in a giant mecha looking out a window. Sometimes I lock myself away and can't remember what they do. People tell me I did things or said things that I can't remember, but I know I did them because the other people in my head will tell me they were the one's that did it, and then I have to do the things _they_ agreed to. It's annoying."

Ken looked down again, "There, now you know everything. I hear voices inside my head and they take over my body sometimes. Now you're going to tell everyone and they're going to lock us away."

Tears started flowing down his face as he looked up again, "But it's better to be locked up where I can't hurt you anymore because of the way I am!" he shouted.

Daisuke was stunned, but he leaned forward and embraced him all the same, making soothing noises as he slowly stroked Ken's head and rocked him to and fro trying to comfort him while he processed everything he'd just said.

First of all, despite how crazy it sounded, Daisuke knew Ken wasn't crazy. Or at least he wasn't the kind of crazy where he needed to be locked up anywhere. If Osamu really had done those things to him when he was that little, maybe he made up some imaginary friends and was never able to let them go. He _did_ say they were _inside_ his head, like his own thoughts, and not actual voices like someone was in the room talking to him.

Then Daisuke thought about the Kaiser. He really did seem like another person, both in the past long ago and when he'd seen him again just now. Sometimes Ken really had seemed kind of different in other ways too. It was subtle, but there had been times where Daisuke thought that Ken had been acting different enough that he "wasn't himself" so to speak.

Maybe the whole Kaiser thing was created because Ken felt too guilty about killing his own brother. Daisuke could completely understand why he would have done it though. It wasn't like he'd been old enough to really be responsible for something like that anyway.

"It's OK Ken, everything's going to be okay", Daisuke said, since Ken wasn't calming down much.

"We're going away, we're never going to see you again!" he was still referring to himself in the plural.

"No. No you're not going away. You're not sick, you have some things wrong... no, not wrong, _different_ about you but it's not bad enough that you need to be sent away. I'm not going to tell anyone about this, but Taichi cares about you too and I know he would understand if you told him. I think most of the Chosen Children would, actually."

"Please Daisuke", Ken cried, "You can't tell anyone about Osamu. He didn't mean to do those things. He was a nice person. He changed one day, he wasn't himself anymore. He loved me. He loved me and I...", Ken buried his head in Daisuke chest and began wailing.

"You protected yourself." Daisuke didn't really know what else to say, but he felt like he had to say _something_ , and it wasn't a lie either.

"...but"

"Don't you think that if Osamu really loved you, he would've understood why you did what you did? If you changed into the Kaiser and tried to hurt me, would you get mad if I protected myself?"

"No, I would want you to hurt me if I did that."

Daisuke was a bit wounded by Ken's masochistic side that seemed to border on an outright thirst for punishment at times, but let the comment pass for the moment, "So don't you think that Osamu would understand?"

Ken was silent for a moment as Daisuke continued to rock him and stroke his head. He had relaxed a lot in response to that one comment.

"What about", Ken trailed off, "What about all the people inside of me? You don't think I'm crazy?"

"No. You're not crazy. I mean, some people would call you crazy, yeah, but you've never told anyone about this because you know that, right? People that are really crazy don't know they're crazy, that's why they'll stand on a street corner telling everybody about the secret messages the aliens are sending them or whatever. They don't know they're nuts so they don't care about telling everyone everything."

Daisuke paused to give Ken a squeeze, "Do you think maybe you made up some imaginary friends because you were afraid? Imaginary friends that never went away?"

"No, they're real. They want to come out more. I don't let them out because I don't like it when they do things and I can't remember doing them. They don't like being held inside so they come out on their own anyway though. They're afraid of being found out, but now you know. They try to pretend that they're really me when they do though. Some of them are asking to meet you now that you know about them."

Daisuke was intrigued by this. If he could meet one of them, maybe he could convince Ken that this was all something he made up. Not something he made up in a bad way, but something he had to do. Something any child would have done in those circumstances.

"Can I talk to one of them now, then?" he asked.

Ken's body stiffened for a moment, and then he pulled away. He was looking at Daisuke with a calm, but stoic face. Daisuke had seen this look on Ken before. It was a bit unnerving as he remembered how different Ken had acted when last saw him looking like this.

"Hello Daisuke, my name is Mamoru. We've met before, but I didn't introduce myself since I wanted to keep my existence hidden."

It really did feel like this was another person talking to him and not Ken. His manner of speaking and tone of voice were different. He even _looked_ different somehow. Something about the way he held his head and the look on his face just weren't Ken. Not only just the way he held his head, the soft smile, even the shape of his eyes was somehow different; they were as warm and friendly as the Kaiser's were cold and foreboding. Most strikingly, the sadness that seemed to always be present and so thinly veiled in Ken's eyes was absent as well. He was also speaking a way that gave him the feeling that not only was this person older and more mature, but that this person was female.

His mind was telling him to disbelieve all of this, but everything else was pointing to the fact that maybe Ken was telling the truth somehow. It wasn't like humans understood the world we lived in very well, there was definitely the possibility that something different could have happened. For all he knew this could be a remnant of the Dark Spore.

"I've been watching you for a long time. You're very kind to Ken. You give him a source of strength from which to draw upon. I've been with him for many years and I've protected him. You're the only person Ken truly trusts right now, but there will be others. I know you'll do the right thing for him now."

With that, Ken, or Mamoru, or whoever it was, closed their eyes and the serene calmness left Ken's body. He opened his eyes a moment later with the same frightened look on his face he'd had only a minute ago.

"What happened?" this was clearly Ken talking.

"Uh..." Daisuke wasn't sure what to say.

"Did you talk to someone?" Ken really seemed to not know of the conversation that had just happened.

"Yeah", Daisuke was still reeling from everything.

"What did they say?"

"Well..." His logical brain, which had been telling him this was all in Ken's head was beginning to acquiesce.

"She said that you trust me, and that she trusts me too."

"She?" Ken asked.

"Well, that's kinda how it seemed. She didn't say for certain but I could kinda tell."

"Do you believe me? That they're real?" Ken was looking at Daisuke with beaming, expectant eyes. His response could easily crush Ken completely, seeing how vulnerable he was right now. Yet Daisuke didn't have to lie. He had some questions sure, and some doubts, but one thing he was sure of was that something really had happened to Ken. Something he didn't understand but something that he could tell was real despite how dubious it seemed only moments ago.

"Yes, I do. Whatever happened to you, I know it's real."

Ken almost collapsed forward in relief.

They sat there in silence for a moment, Daisuke softly stroking Ken's hand. "Do you want to come back over to my place now?" Daisuke asked, not knowing what else to say. Ken seemed to be more nervous at home than when he was over at Daisuke's place, so he figured it wouldn't hurt to offer.

"Sure", Ken responded.

Daisuke leaned forward to give Ken a kiss on the forehead but he pulled away. Daisuke stopped, unsure again of why Ken sometimes resisted his attempts at physical affection, oftentimes immediately after he'd already given him a hug or a kiss.

"I'm sorry", Ken said meekly. "It's... I don't like being touched in certain ways. It reminds me of... being hurt."

Daisuke blinked a few times. _Now_ it was finally starting to make sense. "What ways don't you like to be touched? Sometimes it seems like it's OK and other times you pull away. It's really hard to tell."

Ken bit his lip and turned away. "Well, it depends. I don't like anything where I feel trapped. Sometimes you hug me and pin my arms to my side or try to pick me up, I don't like that. I don't like seeing anything come close to my face either. I was hit in the face a lot so when I see something coming right at me I kinda flinch away or something..."

Daisuke began to truly absorb the magnitude of what had happened. The anger and rage he was feeling towards Osamu now was stronger than anything he'd ever felt before. He'd basically abused Ken to the point he was afraid of the most basic and casual forms of physical affection. The kinds of things that other people find so enjoyable and filled with pleasure, Ken found to be filled with fear and apprehension.

Osamu may have already already been dead, yet he still envisioned his hands around his throat, squeezing the life out of him and relishing the look of anguish on his face as he felt the last breath of air he would ever take slipping out of his body. So much of Ken's pain had been caused by him. _Years_ of his life had been taken from him because of what he'd done to him. Ken had only slowly begun to change after meeting Daisuke and even then he was still almost always holding himself back in some way.

Now Daisuke knew why. He was afraid of being hurt. Afraid of having his "secret" found out. It wasn't his fault though. Even pushing Osamu in front of a car. There was no way Daisuke could fault him for that. How could anyone fault such a small child for trying to protect themselves.

Daisuke shook his head, trying to ground himself in the here-and-now. He leaned forward, slowly, and held his hands out indicating he wanted to hug Ken. He wanted him to come to him on his own. Ken obliged and Daisuke was careful to slip his arms underneath Ken's so as not to pin his arms to his side. He pulled him close and Ken cautiously relaxed into his body.

Daisuke turned his head so his cheek was resting on Ken's forehead. "Ken, I know you're not going to change who you are, and I don't expect you to, but if we're going to be a couple I'd really like it if you would share more things with me. You hold so much inside. I can tell you want to talk about these things but you still hold them in. You'll never bother me by telling me how you feel, even if you're angry or annoyed with me. You held in everything you told me today for so long and I accepted it; haven't I shown you that you can trust me yet? Can you try to be even a little more open with me? Even if it's only telling me what you want for dinner?"

Ken hesitated for a moment, "I'll try."

Daisuke squeezed Ken and then brought his hand up to the back of his head and began slowly moving his thumb back and forth. "That's all I ask. If you can't tell how much I love you, how much I care about you, then... I don't know. I mean, not that I'm complaining, but it hasn't exactly been easy for me sticking by you all this time. There were times where I thought you didn't even like me the same way I like you."

Ken giggled.

"What?" Daisuke said.

"You sound so weird getting all lovey-dovey"

"Hey! Don't pretend you don't like it, I know you better than that."

"Don't be silly", Ken still had a bit of the giggles in his voice.

"You're the most beautiful person in the world and I love you with all my heart."

Ken giggled louder and turned his face further away from Daisuke. "Stop it!" he said, only half-seriously.

"I love you more than anyone in the world."

Ken was really starting to laugh now.

"You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen and I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"

Ken's laughter started to subside. "You really mean all of that, don't you?" he said after a pause.

"Of course I do."

Ken tensed up in Daisuke's arms. Another revelation hit Daisuke. If Ken was close to another person, he could be hurt. Ken wanted to avoid getting hurt more than anything and so he instinctively pulled away from people and walled himself off when he felt like he was getting too close. It was so clear to him now, he wondered how he never saw it before.

Instead of asking Ken what was wrong, why he'd tensed up, like he would've done in the past, Daisuke simply held onto him and accepted that this was the person he'd fallen in love with. Someday, he knew Ken would welcome him in, past all his barriers, into the inner core of his being. Until that happened, Daisuke was happy simply to be able to hold him close.

"Mmm, I can feel your heartbeat. It reminds me of the first time we Jogressed", Daisuke said.

"I don't remember that."

"Huh? How could you forget that?"

"I don't know, I said I don't remember things sometimes", Ken said defensively.

"It was when your base- the Kaiser's base was going to explode after it'd fallen. You were going to go on a suicide mission to try to fix it; I had to slap you to get you to come to your senses."

"You hit me?"

Daisuke was a bit stunned, that was quite a significant event to forget. "Well, yeah... but you would've ended up killing yourself if I hadn't. You wouldn't listen to me when I told you we could all go together. You wanted to go by yourself and I had to stop you. It's not like I did it because I was mad at you."

Daisuke continued, "After that, I think you realized I was serious about wanting to help you fix things in the Digital World, and that I wanted to be your friend. I still remember how it felt. I felt your heart starting to beat inside my chest. For the briefest of an instant, I could feel how kind it was too. That's when I knew you were the one I wanted to be with. I didn't know if you felt the same way though, so I tried to be friends first. After that, Ex-Veemon and Stingmon Jogress evolved and we were able to keep y- the Kaiser's old base from exploding."

"I can kind of remember some of that, but it's hard", Ken said. "It's like remembering a dream years after you had it." 

"That's okay, I'll remember for the both of us."

They sat in that embrace for a moment, Daisuke rocking Ken to and fro before he spoke again, "So, you ready to go now?"

"Hold me a little longer."

So Daisuke continued to hold him, happy to have the person he truly loved sit content in his arms, even if only for a moment.


End file.
